Аmеriсаn аirроrt, immigrаtiоn оffiсе:
- Nаmе?
- Мujо.
- Sех?
- Тwiсе а dау.
- I mеаn mаlе оr fеmаlе?
- Nо mаttеr mаlе оr fеmаlе, twiсе а dау...

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently going but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq- ruled by a dick.

Sales men came knocking at this old lady’s door. He said ‘are you interested in buying this vacuum cleaner? It can clean up any thing, even poo! I’ll prove it’ before the old lady could speak he poured a tub of dogs poo all over the lady’s welcome mat. The old lady was furious! The sales men said ‘oh, don’t worry love if it doesn’t work I’ll eat it up for you! Now then can you plug this to your socket for me please?’ the old lady replied, ‘ no you don’t need to, you can start eating right now, because there’s no electricity in my house!

Men & women : the differences
NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
DINING OUT:
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: Go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Police Quotes: The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?

Religion and other ...ism
Presbyterian: Shit happens.
Catholicism: Shit happens, but we deserve it.
Presbyterian: Shit happens.
Catholicism: Shit happens, but we deserve it.
Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Confucianism: Confucius says: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Taoism: Shit happens, so flow with it.
Confucianism: Confucius says: If shit has to happen, let it happen properly.
Agnostic: I'm not sure if shit is happening.
Islam: Shit happening is Allah's Will.
Existentialism: Shit happening is absurd!
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
New Age: A firm shit does not happen to me.
Atheist: I don't believe this shit.
Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen - somebody dumped it on you.
Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening.
Jehovah's Witness: There is only a limited amount of good shit.
Mormon: Hey, there's more shit over here!
Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
Unitarianism: Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
Heisenbergism: Shit happened, we just don't know where.
Nixonism: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I didn't know anything about it.
McCarthyism: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Capitalism: Shit happens, and it'll cost you!

A boy was getting a checkup while his mother was in the waiting room. Trying to get some information out of the boy, the nurse asked, "What is your mother's name?" The boy said "Mommy." The nurse said, "Well, what does your daddy call her?" The boy said "Tammy." The nurse wrote this down.
She did the smae thing, only with the father as the subject, and got the same reply, "Daddy." As a last resort, she remarked, once again, "What does your mommy call him?" The boy looked up at her with big innocent eyes and said, "Asshole."

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete he said, "Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English, you're just lazy," the doctor replied.
"Okay," the man said. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 25.3 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 25.3.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
.........................
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 25.3 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, I reapit, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 25.3 or any previous verstions. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support

Viagra Line Of Drugs
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society....
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

There was a position open for an accountant at this one large firm. They got the applicants down to 3 people. The president was going to interview each one separately. He asked the first applicant in.
"I'm going to ask you just one question," says the president, "What's 2+2?"
Applicant #1 promptly answers "Four."
"Thank you, we will get back to you," replied the president.
The second applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"
Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question, thinks a little bit and says "Five."
The president replies, "Well, that's obviously wrong, don't call us, we'll call you."
The third applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"
The third applicant looks around as if he's looking for someone else in the room and replies, "What would you like it to be?"
The president exclaims, "YOU'RE MY MAN!"